Unlikely Sexual Icons
The music industry is notorious for peddling a specific brand of sex; a brand that most of us will probably never experience. Most of the folks singing these hymns of seduction are generically hot- fresh from the pop star manufacturing plant.
But not all of them are like this; sometimes average people cunningly sneak their way into the entertainment business. Nobody’s sure how they do it, but it happens. Now, it’s understood that these average looking (or even unusual looking) people have sexual relations as well, but it’s not something that we probably spend much time thinking about. But sometimes we can’t help it- they’re on the television, or they’re singing to us through our headphones. Not every band can have a Jenny Lewis or a Jim Morrison. No, some possess a frontman that Mark Holden may describe as ‘Goony Lookin’. Many –although blessed with immense musical talent- may even make us terribly uncomfortable, especially when they’re singing about their latest sexual conquest or getting all naked…
So here, in no particular order, is a list of ten very unlikely sexual icons. Those who helped shape music with their shameless lyricism/on stage cavorting/ just plain weird behavior. Let’s just remember, there is nothing negative about being included on this list. Every musician here is beautiful in their own way, but there’s also a threshold where one needs to say ‘Damn, it’s lucky you’re a talented musician, because you wouldn’t be laid in a million years if you were an average Joe (or Jolene)
John Mayer.
So, in this crazy anti-blues 21st century, how does a wannabe Stevie Ray Vaughn follow in the footsteps of his half step down idol? Simple, throw the old bait and switch. Sure, for his debut CD (Room for Squares), Mayer could have released a CD full of endless blues riffing and sold a couple of thousand copies, but that seems like a lot of effort for little payback. I mean, what Hollywood starlet has ever wanted to sleep with some no name musician who wishes he was B.B King?
Instead, why not write a CD full of smarmy, would-be erotic-if-they-weren’t-so-catchy pop songs, and watch the teenage girls swoon. Then, once you’re got them on board, then you can go and alienate them by changing your sound. It’s win-win!
Elvis Presley
One of the originators of sexual controversy, Presley was causing moral panics before Britney was but a trailer-trash twinkle in her mother’s eye. Raised on a diet of Grand Ol Opry country and Robert Johnson blues, Presley’s contributions to rock music are widely celebrated- through hits like Hound Dog and Jailhouse Rock, Presley introduced a generation of white folk to the mind-slaying sound of rock and roll.
While his music did stir up some trouble, it was Presley’s onstage antics that raised public ire to new levels. Likened to "a strip-tease with clothes on”, Presley would cavort around the stage, making the girls keel over with desire and the guys to get a little confused.
Michael Jackson
Even if we ignore the recent trial, Mr. Jackson still looks like a dozen bucketfuls of crazy. Sure, the signs were always there- the extravagant spending, the pet monkey, and the ‘sleepovers’, complete with Messiah-approved beverages- but so was the talent. Cast your mind back two decades and Jackson was a superstar, perhaps the most famous musician on the planet. Songs like The Way You Make Me Feel, Billie Jean and Bad - and their accompanying video clips complete with crotch-grabbing, pelvis thrusting, legs akimbo dancing to make your mother blush- cemented him as one of music’s most loved and desired figures, whilst his eccentric behavior made him one of endless ridicule and public interest. Sadly, it seems like his heartfelt admission to his date in the Thriller video –‘I’m not like other guys’- seems to have come a little too true.
Janis Joplin
Janis Joplin had a tough life- even before the drug and alcohol abuse that rivaled the likes of entire groups like Led Zeppelin. A social outcast in her younger years, she was bullied by other students for her weight and appearance. Then the sixties happened. Ms Joplin met up with backing band the Holding Company- and a boy named Bobby McGee- and world was introduced to her sultry blues. A celebrated bisexual, Janis was to sex what a fat kid is on cake; all over it. Today, Joplin is remembered as one of the defining female vocalists of the twentieth century. And the kids that bullied her? Nowhere to be seen.
Elvis Costello
Sure, the genre-hopping artist with the receding hairline may not seem like sex with a guitar, but thousands of mopey singer songwriters owe their first loves to his legacy. The so-called founder of the ‘Fuck Me, I’m Sensitive’ movement, Costello showed that nerds could rock as hard as anyone. And get just as many ladies.
