Bus-ted: The Filthiest Songs You Didn't Know Were Filthy
It’s common social law; you can’t always say what you wanna say. Like when you’re on the train, and some homeboy bumps into you without so much as a remorseful look, let alone a slight apology, and instead of saying “excuse me”, you wish you could say “You soggy dumbfuck, I would hack off your shins”. You know, it happens.
Anyway, the same predicament plagues artists all the time. And, even though we, the listening public, see right through it, it passes the Powers That Be because there are no naughty words or direct sexual references (or, orders, as it might be) they could waggle a geriatric finger at. Here we have assembled the best songs to slink under the radar through double entendres, hidden meanings, and plain gibberish.
“TV is the Thing This Year”- Dinah Washington
Dinah is the Queen of the Dirty Simile. Sassy, bold and brimming with total 1940’s raunch, she turned the normally mundane and mostly unpleasant task of “fixing a television” into what can only be decoded into a sexy tryst. You can almost hear her smile as she runs through the “channels” her man flicks through, and I’m damn sure she gave the audience a mighty wink at the end of the track when she states, cool as a cucumber; “Baby, my set will need fixin' just about this time every night!”.
How We Know: Where to start? From the opening gambit of “If you wanna have fun come home with me, you can stay all night and play with my TV” to ‘channel one’; “I knew that this was gonna be fun” and eventually down to ‘channel eleven’; “He finally hit channel eleven, I cried mama, he treats your daughter good!”
“Who Let The Dogs Out?”- Baha Men
I have an excuse for not seeing through this Jamaican filth-storm; I was 11 or 12 upon its release, and knew no better than The Backstreet Boys and Mama’s chicken dinner. When I grew up and realized what I had been singing (or attempting to) for all those years, I felt a bit sick. See the “dogs” per se, despite the video and allusions to the canine variety, are actually meant to describe the “ugly girl” variety. Which, I can only assume, is anyone over a size ten not rich enough to afford cosmetic surgery?
How We Know: You’d be forgiven for not noticing, since the Baha Men have about as much skill with English and pronunciation as Thom Yorke does with smiling, but here’s a taste of their Caribbean misogynist gem; “I tell the fellas "start the name callin’”, and the girls report to the call- The poor dog show down”, or the lovely: “I see ya' little speed boat head up our coast, she really want to skip town. Get back off me, beast off me, Get back you flea infested mongrel”. It’s any wonder the guys didn’t crack the charts (especially in the Arsehole Market, that one’s huge!)
“Long Tall Sally”- Little Richard
Little Richard; he would’ve had to’ve been a dirty perv to make up for the name. “Long Tall Sally” is a rock and roll staple, but there are few in the history books that allude to infidelity and wild sex as excitably and jovially as this. I don’t know who Uncle John is, but he probably had a rockin’ good time with Sally considering she was “built for speed” (an African-American distinction between sexual types, as in “build for comfort or build for speed”, likening women to passenger ships)
How We Know: Apart from the aforementioned nautical comparison, Little asserts that Uncle John “claims he has the misery, but he has a lotta fun” as well as dear John ducking “back into the alley” when he fears “Aunt Mary” will catch him with Sally. What a wicked web.
“Crank Dat”- Soulja Boy
What??? A current hip-hop track receiving mass airplay on reputable institutions like Channel V, Nova and MTV is actually a catchy ode to idiocy, unmerited decadence and misogynism? You lie!
Don’t mean to burst your bubble, Soulja Boy fans, but your crunk-buddy is something of a deviant. “Crank Dat”, apart from a million other ebonic nonsense sayings and euphemisms, utilizes the term “Superman” as a verb. How does one “Superman” you, you ask? You shouldn’t have! Turn away now if you are easily offended or do not yet know the Facts of Life…
According to urbandictionary.com and popular belief, the act of “Superman-ing” someone is thus; a man, who, after amorous advances, is rejected by his woman. Perhaps she has a headache, perhaps she is simply tired. Regardless, she rolls over for a good night’s sleep. The man, vowing revenge (or at least a good laugh after the initial neutering embarrassment at his denial of womanly goodness), ejaculates onto her back and, come morning (no pun intended), the bed sheets are stuck to her back, not unlike a superhero’s cape. Hence, the Superman.
So. That is what the 12-year olds are listening to.
How We Know: You need more evidence of this guy’s indecency? “Supersoak that ho!” is one. “Soulja Boy, I'm the Man, they be lookin’ at my neck, sayin’ “It’s the Rubberband Man”” is another (Rubber bands are often used as a symbol of how much dope or cash one may have in their possession). Weep for the future.
“Forbidden Fruit”- Nina Simone
This track is as jaunty as the bible gets. The story of the creation of Original Sin, as well as Eve and Adam’s naughty times, Nina wills you into The Garden and damn near shoves that forbidden apple down ya throat. Although it seems tame, almost cute, by today’s standards, I am always surprised by how wicked this track seems, considering its 1961 release.
How We Know: “Go on and eat forbidden fruit, it’s mighty sweet, it’s quite a treat… go ahead and taste it, you don’t wanna waste it” as well as the delightful assessment on modern times; “Ever since the days of Eden folks been sinful my, nowadays they’re even eating apples in their pie!”
“My Sharona”- The Knack
I remember the freak-out. Having gone to a largely ignorant high school, most of my peers did not engage in what we call the rock music. Most more enjoyed that of the Top 40 and House persuasion. But even the few ‘alternative’ fans I had to suffer (for they were not true) were still, as I said, largely ignorant. Having taken control on the stereo in a classroom one lunchtime, I chucked one of my awesome mixed CDs on, to both please and educate. The room erupted when one girl figured out Knack vox-man Doug Fieger was actually saying “I get it up for the touch of a younger kind”. Having already known and accepted this, I was blasé as per usual, but the rest of the school year was spent by said girl touting her apparent rock-knowledge that was, well, not impressive in the least.
How We Know: Again, apart from the aforementioned tidbit, Fieger also attested Sharona “makes his motor run” and asks her when she will “give it” to him. Fieger, bless his long-headed ungodliness, even asks the lass to “Come a little closer huh, will ya? Close enough to look in my eyes, Sharona, keeping it a mystery gets to me, running down the length of my thighs, Sharona”.
“Long John Blues”- Dinah Washington
Again, how were they getting away with this? Written in the 1940s, this song was the whole inspiration for this article. Straight to the meat of the issue (no pun intended); apparently John is called “Long John” because he is “over seven feet tall”, making his some sort of mythical water-beast. We know what she’s really talking about, though, don’t we? (Or ‘he’, since the song was written by a man known as Tommy George, which seems disconcerting).
How We Know: Instead of bothering with the ol’ dissection, here’s the song in its entirety, for all of its beautiful, soulful filthy greatness:
“Yes, I've got a dentist who's over seven feet tall
Long John they call him, and he answers every call
Well I went to Long John’s office and told him the pain was killin'
He told me not to worry, that my cavity just needed fillin'
He said "When I start drillin', I'll have to give you novocaine
Cause ev'ry woman just can't stand the pain"
He took out his trusted drill
And he told me to open wide
He said he wouldn't hurt me
But he'd fill my hole inside
Long John, Long John, you've got that golden touch
You thrill me when you drill me, and I need you very much
When he got through, he said "Baby that will cost you ten"
Six months from now, come back and see me again"
Say you're supposed to see your dentist
'Bout twice a year, that's right
But I think I feel it bobbin'
Guess I'll go back there tonight
Long John, Long John, don't ever move away
Say I hope I keep on achin' so I can see you every day”
