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In the lead up to tomorrow's How Ya Garn? Yeah Not Bad festival at The John Curtain Hotel, Melbourne lad's Sheriff and Hell's own Gay Paris sat down and interviewed each other. Suffice to say things got weird... really really weird. We need to go take a shower now.
SHERIFF put the hard word on GAY PARIS
How Ya Garn?
A cunning opening gambit, you sweet bastards – but I hazard that the correct response is ‘yeah, not bad.’
Is it safe to say that you're thoroughly excited about the upcoming HYGYNB music festival?
There is nothing safe – nor sacred. Prepare to have the weight of Satan rest upon your morality bone, for we have roused our Lord into an unholy frenzy, of which we are the Earthly embodiment.
What has the band been doing in preparation for the big day?
We have been turning water into whiskey, wine and spiced rum. Low rent sorcery is of course beneath us, but so are the people and we would dearly love to keep them there.
What can fans expect from your triumphant return to Melbourne?
We’ll probably ask them to buy us drinks and drive us back to our motel after the gig, where we will request that they sing us Al Green songs until we pass out. Also, we have a new album’s worth of material, so it is likely that we will play three or four new songs and conjure Satan from his stygian slumber.
When did you fully realise Sheriff was your favourite band ever?
I don’t believe in absolutes, other than vodka and the devil, but yeah, they’re not bad.
How best would you describe Sheriff’s eargasmic sound?
Sheriff are the only band that Blacktooth has ever stage invaded to play guest guitar for (and that Six Guns has dropped Theremin solo with his head upon witnessing). This is the kind of enthusiasm that we by custom tend to reserve for ourselves, so the mix of filthy blues and slovenly rock must be doing something right (I refer you again to our morality bones).
What is your favourite tour food?
I’m on a Pinot Noir diet at the moment, so I am really missing the Shiraz.
Sheriff have been known to entice an older lady for scones from time to time..... Who is Gay Paris' favourite Golden Girl?
If you had listened to our podcast*, you would know that we love all of the Golden Girls equally – Blanche for her robust sexual agenda, Dorothy for her stern mien and likely outrageous kinks, Rose for her sweet demeanour and Sophia because she is probably the Devil or possibly met Caligula during the Roman Principate. *Our podcast has been removed from the Internet for reasons that we are not legally able to go into at the moment.
When can we expect the new album to surface and following its release will Gay Paris be embarking on another huge tour that will rival the unholy whirlwind of fury that was 'The Last Good Party' album tour?
The mysteries of the universe are best not examined too closely, dear friends and if you stare too long at Gay Paris, we may just thrust back. When Ember Season comes, and you will know when this is so, The Dark Arts will prevail and riffs shall entangle all that is good and decent until the world is covered in some kind of outrageous black mass/party. We will travel the land(s), teaching people how to throw their Satan’s, make sweet love and mix the perfect spiced rum cocktail.
Any final words of advice to the lost souls out there who are still undecided whether attend the majestic music festival that is HYGYNB?
Only those marked by the sign of the Beast shall be spared (a lifetime of boredom/mundane sex life), so get thee behind us (and high five Satan while you're there).
GAY PARIS put the hard word on SHERIFF
Please inform us as to your general state of being – we’re interested in ontology, here, so please, be specific.
Yeah.......not bad........not bad at all.
When and where can we pick up our money and who is paying for our drinks?
You will paid in the agreed amount of gold which will be presented to you in a sweaty hessian sack at the conclusion of the day’s proceedings. A collection plate will be passed around the congregation in the lead up to your sermon to collect you a sufficient amount of drink money that should keep you topped up through the night and well into autumn.
I spilled wine all over my white Sheriff t-shirt on the first occasion of wearing said chest covering – may I have another? I am willing to trade it in for a fresh one, but with the caveat that I have removed the sleeves. Is this going to be a problem?
We may very well have freshly printed chest coverings ready in time HYGYNB. If this is the case you may certainly have another on the house. We do not accept trade ins but you should know that a wine stained shirt is better than a clean one. Continue to sport your wine stained bastardised Sheriff shirt, my friend. Just like a guitar full of dints or well patched scout shirt, it reveals character and displays the daring feats that you have accomplished in the past. Continuing wearing it with pride.
Would you gentlemen be interested in coming back to our motel to watch Golden Girls and drink spiced rum?
That sounds delightful, spiced rum will make our date even more intimate BUT KNOW THIS Jim has dibs on Blanche and if he sees any of you look at her in an inappropriate way all hell will break loose.
We heard that the Stiffys are going to playing this event – can you guarantee that they will not steal all of our drinks/groupies?
Unfortunately there is no way we can guarantee this. This is actually the second question we've had from a band other than The Stiffys in relation to The Stiffys rider. The Gatwick Highlife were asking if there is any possible way they could steal The Stiffys rider. Revenge perhaps? I'm not sure. This festival is full of pros and little cons. Unfortunately one con though is that we can't offer your rider or groupies protection from The Stiffys.
If you had never heard Gay Paris’ music, just seen us hanging out looking fine as Hell, you would still want to party with us, right?
Of course. We would love to party with you guys. We are always impressed with fine as hell dudes getting wasted. We love a good party but always seem to be the only ones getting drunk.
Are you interested in hearing the good word of our Lord, The Morning Star, the God of This Age and King of Babylon, Satan – the Father of Lies and Angel of Light? We would so dearly love to talk theology/Black Sabbath.
Absolutely, come inside for a cuppa as we'd love to listen. Just don't rock up to our house with bicycles and back packs or we will pop your tyres and steal your reflectors.
Seriously though – rank us in order of sexual attractiveness from top to bottom.
Black Tooth is clearly top of the list. A god amongst men. One often questions, has there ever been a better looking man in the history of the earth? Slim Pickins, Six Guns and Wailin H all sit at equal 2nd. We'd spin the bottle and gladly take home whichever candidate it landed on.
Is there anyone in Sheriff that can take Slim in a dance-off? If so, let it be noted that this dance off shall take place the moment we come off stage or at any time your man gets up to get down.
We watch television, we've seen many a Telstra advert and Slim’s "moves" are nothing more than jumps and gyrations. Have any of you ever seen Saturday Night Fever? Who do you think taught Travolta how to dance? IT WAS CALLUM! The reason that crazy Footloose town had to make dance illegal is because Jim went there one Saturday night and literally impregnated every female townsperson at the pub WITH HIS MOVES ALONE! For a side job Tom dons a shirtless and jacket combo puts on silly pants and moonlights as Michael Flatley (we've never told anyone that.) If Slim wants a showdown there will be a murder on the dance floor and my word, he better not kill the groove!
How the Hell are we going to deal with our hangovers as March 2015 shows her seductive face, kissing Summer good morning as he slinks off into the shame corner, nursing his morality bone and a final pint of VB?
Gay Paris, my loves, as Autumn slowly shows her beautifully cold face and that final VB pint is in our belly, we can cuddle up on the couch with a duvet (hand shandies underneath) and watch Twin Peaks in its entirety. Oooooooor we do a tour together and just continue getting drunk. Shall we do that? (Let's keep the hand shandies though)
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